I didn't get in

If you know me in real life, you’ve probably heard that I sat an audition for a certain high quality music school in Sydney. Well, a few weeks ago I received my results, and (as you’ve probably guessed) they weren’t the results I wanted. For the second time in my post highschool life, this institution has rejected me.

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The first time crushed me. I’d auditioned for the classical program, decided I wasn’t going to go there anyway, but hearing that it wouldn’t have been a choice regardless of my first preference made me feel like a worthless mediocre waste of space musician. This time I auditioned for the Jazz program. This time I’m not crushed, instead I’m a little bit disappointed, and a little bit angry.

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I think the disappointment comes from a very obvious place. I’ve been studying jazz (pretty much) on my own for a while and was really looking forward to a deep dive into the history, theory and practice in a way you simply can’t when you’re working as a flute teacher/musician of a bazillion bands.

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The anger on the other hand comes from a place of experience. Objectively speaking, I am a really good musician. Objectively speaking I am a professional musician. I am capable of putting in the work, reaping the results and working in the field post degree, yet somehow on the day I was judge as being incapable.

I also can’t help but wonder if the decision was (in part) political. I auditioned on Flute and Voice, and carried an obvious classical training with me. I also mentioned that I was mostly self taught with jazz. (They asked who my teacher is during the audition.)

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They don’t give you feedback after an audition like this. I really wish they would, because in the headspace I’m in, I fully plan on studying the art of jazz and music in general to the best of my ability in 2019, and I fully plan on sitting this audition again.

(Also If you had a story of a failed audition, or exam I would really appreciate it right now so I don’t feel so alone :P)

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This is another on my “inspired by” looks. This one is inspired by a Curious Fancy, who I’ve been following for about 6 years now. I found her when I was first looking at fashion bloggers who had styles that didn’t fit with current trends, found her photos, read her open honest writing and fell instantly in “internet one sided friendship” love. :)

I know this post in decidedly unchristmassy, but IDK, christmas was super chill and I don’t really feel like reflecting on the shit show that was 2018. So yes! Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and my this one be the best yet!

The Mottos that Shape my Life.

It’s been quite a lot of doom and gloom here lately. There’s a perfectly rational explanation - I write about what’s going on in my head, and that has been a complete rollercoaster thanks to my silly monkey brain, and a couple of boys here and there.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking recently about intentionality and how I can take responsibility for my work, mood and general day to day. So, without further ado, here are 7 mottos I apply to my life.

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1) If I ever let being tired stop me, I’d never get out of bed.

It’s no secret that my schedule is a little… hectic. I fit a tonne into my days, and weeks. I play in bands and make all of the things, and see people. Often I’ll get asked “how do you manage it all?” and the above saying is what I reply with.

I am a naturally tired human. I’ve had times of busyness and also times of rest. Resting more doesn’t make me any less exhausted, so why rest and miss out if I’m going to be exhausted anyway?

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2) I’d rather be poor and creatively fulfilled than rich and dead inside

Now, this isn’t to say that rich people are dead inside (because I happen to know a number who function very very well :) ) It’s simply to say that I as a human am not living my life with the purpose of making a tonne of money - I’m living it to create as many things as I can, monetary gain be damned.

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3) Be the centre of your own community

This year has been full of “learning about life things”. One of the many lessons I’ve learned is how important a sense of community is to my functioning as a human.

I’ve often found it difficult to find myself already established communities, so I decided to take responsibility for my own needs and create spaces that encourage community.

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4) Question everything

When I was in high school, we had a science teacher who had worked in the field (I don’t specifically remember which field, but one of them!) for many years. He used to tell us all the time to question everything we’re told, because adults don’t know everything, and one should not be ignorant.

I took that advice to heart and started the long process of learning how to question, research, and think critically about all different types of things, from the “life script” to the keyboard layout I use (I type on DVORAK).

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5) Never Stop Learning

This kind of ties into my previous motto. You can’t question everything if you aren’t willing to learn and expand your mind.
It’s so easy as adults to just do the same thing over and over again, without thinking or learning.

This motto is why I now play uke, and viola (badly), it’s why I sew, and take photos and do most of the things I do on a weekly basis.

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6) You only have time for the work you have done

This has been a big help for me this year when it comes to reducing my feeling of “work induced guilt”
I often have to do lists as long as a piece of string. I stuff them full of things. Too many things. When I don’t manage everything, it’s really easy to feel guilty and not good enough. Remembering this makes me feel less anxious and worthless.

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7) If you have to force yourself to practice, you may as well have not practiced at all

Whenever I force myself to practice I get worse. I don’t know why this is, but it’s a thing with my brain, so now I don’t force myself to practice, and it makes music more fun, and progress more likely!

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So yeah, those are the mottos I currently live by. They certainly don’t fix all of my problems, but they help to create a sense of peace in my otherwise existentially depressed brain.

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Before I go, I want to talk a little about this outfit. This is the first in a “series” I’m starting called “Inspired by” (It’s more of an instagram series than a blog series necessarily, but as you can see, it’s being posted here as well!)

The aim of this series is twofold: 1) I want step out of my fashion comfort zone a little and maybe learn something new 2) There are countless women online who I’ve been following for many years. Watching them live their lives unapologetically has made me feel confident and comfortable in my own skin. I want to share them with my audience, and also thank them for their positive influence :)

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This first look was inspired by Kate Gabrielle (AKA scathingly brilliant), with her pastel colour pallet, and love of vintage silhouettes. As well as her wonderful taste in fashion, Kate is a freelance artist. Her work is simple and beautiful. Sometimes it’s fandom-y, sometimes it’s cute, and sometimes it’s feminist zeitgeist-y.

Her blog was one of the first fashion blogs I started following. She’s been kind enough to show not only her ups, but also her downs throughout the years. It’s just nice seeing a creative human make themselves real :).

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