Last night I received another rejection for a “real artistic opportunity*”.

Now, look, intellectually I know rejection is part of participating in the artistic economy, but every opportunity I have applied for this year has resulted in a rejection and I don’t know how many more rejections I can take.

PRE POST WARNING: This will be perceived as a negative post. For me, it’s not pessimistic, it’s realistic. In the arts there is this attitude that one “must maintain an endlessly optimistic outlook at all costs”, but how am I supposed to remain optimistic when the people I think of as brilliant deserving artists who have more than paid their dues are experiencing the same career troubles as me?

I’ve tried to write this post so many times. Sometimes I delete it because I feel like it sounds whiny. Sometimes I censor it and then delete it because it doesn’t communicate how I am actually feeling. Something I have learned from the disability community is if you make your experience optimistic and palatable, nothing will change, so here I am, writing this post again and actually posting it this time.

I’m not after advice, nor am I after pity. These words, these thoughts need to be heard, because those giving advice, and those in a position of power think the creative industries are a meritocracy. I’ll ask here, right up the top of this post: If any of this resonates with you, share this post, comment on it, send it to a friend.

*In my head a real artistic opportunity is one that both pays money and could lead to more opportunities either within the organisation or through recognition on one’s CV/bio.

The feedback is always the same.

We received so many high quality applications and we only had limited spots, followed by something shallow about recognising the hard work and energy I put into my application and craft. Unfortunately you didn’t make it through, but please apply again. So I do, once, twice, three times, the result and feedback is always the same. “You’re art is cool and high quality, but we just didn’t *choose you*. Please keep trying, please keep making” as if my time, finances and energy are infinite resources, as if there isn’t a major cost to pay for endlessly gambling on these opportunities.

How does this constant rejection within the arts make me feel? Worthless and under qualified.

Feeling under-qualified? I know this isn’t a me problem. I received my first “proper” qualifications in year 11 - a diploma of performance and my A.mus.A. In 2014 I received my bachelor of music, and 2015 I received my honours. I started a masters this year. I have an extensive body of work across multiple disciplines that I made without any financial support outside of what I earned with my day job. Objectively I am qualified for these opportunities, so why do I keep missing out? *

The objective truth of my qualifications lead to this feeling of worthlessness. If I keep getting rejected by multiple organisations for the same reason it must mean my art isn’t; good enough, professional enough, extensive enough, communicating something important, worth enough.

*I’m not listing these to say that those without qualifications aren’t professionals or aren’t deserving of opportunities. I’m listing these to remind myself that it’s objectively untrue that I’m not qualified.

Meritocracy is a lie.

All through my education I was explicitly told If I worked to 110% I would find a pathway to success. My Autistic brain interprets this as “well, I keep getting rejected by the pathway, so I mustn’t be working hard enough”.
So I continually change myself. I buy new equipment, pile on the skills, learn to make something I made on a nickel look like there’s a creative team and many $ behind the production. I overwork in hopes that this next release, project, video, instagram post will finally make me worthy and or qualified to be given a chance. The expectation to work as if the creative industries is a meritocracy is an unfair burden to place on those in the arts.

Nobody knows the steps to find the pathway to success.

I feel gaslit by the organisations and “successful artists” who are visibly living the life I want and give advice on how to replicate their success. If “Well I did it this way, so you can too” worked, more artists I know personally wouldn’t have day jobs. Following the advice leads to the same place as trying to find my own path: deep confusion, exhaustion and frustration because nothing has changed.

Making my own opportunities isn’t helping.

“If it’s not provided for me, I’ll just make my own”. This has been my mantra since 2015. Do you know where it’s got me? No closer to my goals. It’s made me exhausted because I’m juggling a billion and one projects in hopes that one takes off, because when I had all my eggs in one basket they ended up rotten and inedible. It’s further complicated my disability which has left me unable to work for extended periods of time.

So what am I to do? I really truely don’t know. I know I can’t keep applying for “real opportunities” because the physical and emotional fallout leaves me unable to work. I also know I can’t keep “creating my own path” because the time, energy, social and financial sacrifice has been and continues to be unsustainable. I know I’m not alone because I’ve had this conversation with every creative I talk to. I also can’t quit because creating is as necessary as breathing.

I don’t know where to put these feelings. I can’t put them into my art, because it takes too much energy and sends me spiralling. I can’t put them into my therapy sessions, because people who aren’t artists often don’t understand that making art is like breathing, and being asked to do anything else is literally torcher. I can’t put them out into the open (even though I literally am in this blog post) because no one wants to work with someone who’s visibly negative and or depressed. I can’t keep them to myself because I’ll withdraw from society and cease to exist in a metaphorical way. Who am I and where do I belong?

The endless rejection from these real and self created opportunities keeps bringing up the same answer: I am no one, and I belong nowhere. This is not an over dramatisation, this is a logical conclusion based on the evidence presented.

ABOUT THE OUTFIT: This is actually pretty exciting. Not only did I make this dress, but I made it the creation of this dress into a video. If you like the bow brooch, they’re actually available for purchase in my SHOP HERE. If you like the music, you can buy it on my bandcamp and or listen to it on spotify!

FINANCIAL REALISM SEGMENT!

I’m trying to be more open about my finances/the time/money and energy that goes into this creative work. I’ve reached a point where I no longer have the energy to work creatively and work a day job. Many hours of labour go into a post like this - I sewed the pants, which took me a day, the photos took 1 hour to shoot, 3 hours to edit/upload.

Writing this post in particular took 1 hour, and the social media management and promotion takes an additional hour. my website is with Squarespace which also costs $$ Creating the video was 4 full days of labour including designing and making the dress,

If you’d like to support my endeavour to make this sort of work my “real job” (this includes my music and upcoming sewing videos) you can do so for the price of a coffee by using the form to your left. If you’d like to support me AND get a thing in return for your $$, consider buying my music on BANDCAMP (https://theemeraldruby.bandcamp.com) or hopping over to my ONLINE STORE (https://theemeraldruby.com/shop) and buying a print, bow, sheet music ETC :)