It will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone that I burned out. The burnout cycle is something I’ve documented well since this blog began and one that I will continue to document until I decide my blogging adventures are done (Don’t panic, despite my posting schedule I’m more attached to this blog than ever!). Unofficially I’d decided I wasn’t going to write about the in’s an out’s of my burnout cycle. Traditionally the cycle has been pretty same-y. This burnout though? It’s different to the others, particularly this end bit where the light at the end of the tunnel provides between a month and a week of peace. (please note, this is not my best writing. The spoons for my usual quality of word art are simply not there but it was important to me to capture this before it too fades into the abyss of forgetting)

PART 1: EMERGENCY BREAKDOWN TIME

I didn’t expect a burnout this bad. Considering my past history with this particular mental nasty that might sound like a strange sentiment to express. 2022 was legitimately different! I had functional systems (because of the NDIS), I had a small team helping me with the intricacies of an arts career, I had (objectively) the coolest fellowship, and I managed to nab a few *actually* paid opportunities (including an ABC Classic Grant). I also didn’t overcommit. Everything I took on included “emergency breakdown time”.

What is emergency breakdown time? It’s “extra” time I deliberately included in all my freelance work to ensure I had enough time for my systems and or creativity to fall apart and still deliver the end product on time. Often this “extra” time was a month or two (depending on the scope of the project). IT WORKED GREAT until mid September. This was the apex of a job-gone-skew-iffy, resulting in the complete absorption of my “emergency breakdown time” causing a cascade of executing deadlines in a panicked fashion. Anything concreted was completed and anything that could be moved (including a tonne of my own projects) was. Usually I was mentally prepared for a burnout of this size, but this time I was lulled into a false sense of security by brilliant NDIS supports and functioning systems.

PART 2: CRASHING DEADLINES

I don’t have many memories of the past 8 months. There are a few clear snippets - birthdays, trips, an outstanding festival, a particularly good conversation - but mostly the last 8 months is a deep dark vibe. A little fear here, a little panic there. I know logically I accomplished a lot of work and personal goals, but the memories feel second hand, like a friend recounting their week over dinner and drinks.

The apex of the crashing deadlines was when my friend Jess came to visit. Jess was one of the ABC regional storyteller scholarship recipients, which is how we came into each others orbit. She was looking for autistic adults to shadow with her camera, I was looking for a rooftop to shout from and we were both looking for someone with shared experience who just understood.

The day Jess shadowed me was chaos, the type of chaos that happens when I’m deep in a burnout and loose my sense of time and scope. First my support co-ordinator arrived to help me complete my NDIS plan review, then came my support worker, then came Jess, then my support co-ordinator left, then came a radio interview about ADHD, then my support worker left, then came another professional phone call which I can’t remember. Whilst she was shadowing me I needed to work on my composing commission, reply to emails, do my book keeping, and take new photos to feed the beast (aka, new instagram photos). I managed the emails and photos (the ones you’re looking at now). The photos then sat unedited until this week. This day I described? not an anomaly in this particular burnout, but certainly the most memorable.

Part 3: piecing it together

Finding the end of torpor was harder this time. Usually burnout recovery was marked by a number of good productive work days which resulted in the sooty backlog of tasks diminishing. Last years work took on the form of a hydra, I would finish one task and two more would appear. Eventually, after 4 long months of battling the Hydra I found respite in the liminal time of Late December early January. I stopped, but the lack of movement did not bring the relief of rest.

I’ve been floating since I stopped. I needed to get going again, but escaping the inertia of unrest has been almost impossible. I’ve been tardy with my small but important deadlines - getting the socials started again, replying to emails, transferring the dates I collected into my calendar, finishing the setup of important automations so I’m no longer doing everything manually. The return of school has snapped me back into some sort of semi functional NPC but without the relief of true rest I live in fear that this recovery I’ve found from Septembers extreme burnout is a false profit and yet again I’ll retreat back into the isolation of a human in spoon debt (read about spoon theory here if you don’t know what this means)

About the outfit: Nobody knows you’re sad when you look like a rainbow, so I’ve been madly sewing a rainbow wardrobe. It’s like armour.

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FINANCIAL REALISM SEGMENT!

I’m trying to be more open about my finances/the time/money and energy that goes into this creative work. I’ve reached a point where I no longer have the energy to work creatively and work a day job. Many hours of labour go into a post like this - I sewed the pants, which took me a day, the photos took 1 hour to shoot, 3 hours to edit/upload.

Writing this post in particular took 1 hour, and the social media management and promotion takes an additional hour. my website is with Squarespace which also costs $$

If you’d like to support my endeavour to make this sort of work my “real job” (this includes my music and upcoming sewing videos) you can do so for the price of a coffee by using the form to your left. If you’d like to support me AND get a thing in return for your $$, consider buying my music on BANDCAMP or hopping over to my ONLINE STORE and buying a print, bow, music ETC :)

Big thanks to my regular Ko-Fi Supporter Gemma! If you’d like to join her in my super exclusive community and support my art for $5 a month, click over to my Ko Fi Page! You’ll get access to videos and blog posts early, and I’ll thankyou (like this!) when I release the things.