A note on Friendship.

As an adult it's super easy to get caught up in the exhaustion of life and routine and trying to keep it all together and stop seeing people and doing things with those people. I know because that's progressively been my life for the past year or so. That's all changed recently, and it's so good. 

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It's really nice having friends, and it's really nice being a friend. These people are your chosen family. They don't have to be with you, or care about you, but they do. Likewise, no one is forcing you to hang out, or be there for them, but you are anyway because you love them. 

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Romantic love is such a major focus of our media and species. "Finding your other half" and settling down as a pair, and having a person who knows you like no other. Romantic love is great, but it's rarely forever, and when your forever falls apart on you, it's your friends that are there to catch you when you fall.  

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I've had an incredible amount of support from friends over the last few months whilst I was ejecting a particular toxic human from my life. I honestly don't think I would have recovered nearly as well without all their love and support. 

As my friend Peter Lawrie would say: You are special, you are important and you are loved <3

Amazing people and the privilage of never having felt the feeling of I Can't

Did you know that for many people "I can't" is a physical feeling? It feels like panic, it feels like tension, it feels like despair, and procrastination, and not living up to your "potential". it feels like letting your goals and dreams slip away because you just can't. Can is too much. Can takes too much energy, so instead you sit there in your "I can't-ness" and let it swollow you. 

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For some people I can't is just a small feeling. It's feeling like they're not smart - rich - childless - good enough to do *insert thing here*. This feeling is valid and just as important to recognise. It's not the same as I won't either. I won't implies defiance. I won't implies choice. 

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I can't is not a choice. There are many amazing people in this world. They do so many things, and lead extraordinary lives. Many will do interviews talking about how they just believed, and worked towards a goal. "It's easy, anyone can do it" they say. "you just have to save more, work more, chase your dreams, your goals and your desires." they say, like it's easy, like it's something everyone can do. These people don't understand. They've had the privelage of not experiencing "I can't" 

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That's not to say these amazing people haven't had to work hard, or experience hardship or make sacrifices, but they've stumbled upon a particular set of arbitrary circumstances that set them apart from other people. These include: Country of origin, race, gender, mental and physical health, supportive family/teachers/peers, knowing the right people, being in the right place at the right time. And because they're wonderful, but imperfect humans that have only ever lived as themselves, they mistake their success as not giving into "I can't" when it's usually not having experienced "I can't" in the first place. 

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I sit in a weird space when it comes to this. I lead a jam packed life full of "chasing my art and living the dream", but I also experience the overwhelming feeling of I can't all the time. Let me tell you, I wouldn't be able to get past this if I didn't have such a lovely and supportive network. I would curl in a ball and cry all day. I would take a normal job I hated and stagnate. I wouldn't travel, I wouldn't see people. I would completely and utterly give into I can't. 

But I don't, because I'm supported and privileged. I think more people who say no to "I can't" need to be introspective and examine their privilege, especially before they preach the word of "everyone can do it", because not everyone can do it. It's not ideal, but it's one of the truest truths in our weird society. 

I suppose the conclusion is, if you give into your feelings of I can't, don't feel bad. Don't feel worthless, because you're not. Breaking out of I can't is hard. And if you're one of these wonderful amazing people preaching the word of "everyone can do it" stop and think about all of the help, support and circumstances you've experienced to get you there, and consider how different the experiences and resources other people have are different. 

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A little off topic, but relevant none the less: I recorded a new video today (technically yesterday now) It's a cute little song about tea, with a rather sad ending. Coincidently, I'm wearing the same outfit in the video, but It was not produced the same day! 

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I took these photos in early Feb. There was a whole proper photo set, but I lost them due to an unfortunate computer crash... (pro tip, don't leave your unedited photos unsaved in photoshop after clearing the SD card) 

I sewed this suspender skirt out of super cute hamburger knit material I got from spotlight. I don't really know what else to say apart from it's hard to be motivated to type things when you're missing half your photos. :p.  

It's really not winter anymore Feat: Jazz fusion you should probably listen to because it's amazing.

So it's really not winter anymore. Like one and a half months, we're back on daylight savings sort of not winter. I barely posted over winter, and although I missed this little online space a whole bunch, I'm very glad I took a break. In fact, my sporadic posting may even continue past this post depending on if I can get some of my offline stuff sorted and return so some semblance of a "regular" routine. 

This is going to sound all sorts of silly, but there's been a little part of me that's 1) been terrified of writing on/getting back into the swing of this blog and 2) terrified of tackling this blog post (there are a lot of photos, and if you've been reading for a while, I like to alternate between photos and paragraph of words. Lots of photos means lots of words). Neither of these things make sense, but it's how I've been feeling (maybe it's got something to do with the fact I've let my social media slip. It's kind of like starting again in a way) 

So many things have happened since I took these photos back in August. I can remember several occasions where I thought "I'll have to blog about that" but every "really important" blog post Idea I've had has gone by the wayside. I've also stopped keeping up with the fashionblogosphere and my personal public social media. It's been a really interesting priority shift. I'm not sure if I'm completely on board with it, but it's happened, and whilst more important music things are happening I suppose I'll let this shift continue.   

This suspender skirt is a "newish" piece of mine. The day I took these photos was the day after I sewed it. It's definitely my most beautifully sewn piece, despite my sewing practice being almost non existent. 

Something I have done a lot of whilst not blogging is listening to/watching live music, specifically Jazz fusion type stuff (It's also something positive I can share/write about, and totally not about blog/feeling related meta garbage like the rest of this post).

I'll start by talking about a band which I have talked about before . They're called Quantum Milkshake. After playing a gig with them two years ago, listening to their only recording approximately a zillion times, and frothing over the single they released, they FINALLY completed their album, and released it to the world ( I actually briefly mentioned this release back in June when I had yet to properly listen to it/purchase it. I have now done both of those things, and golly gosh it's everything I thought it would be and more ). 

There is so much going on in this meticulously constructed album. There are grooves, there are throw backs to other composition era's, there's jazz, there are cross rhythms and time signature changes, there are complexly composed and intricate layering, there's flow from track to track, and brilliant performances from musicians across the board. I simply do not have the words to describe just how great this release is. You'll just have to give it a listen. 

Now the reason I started this small list of jazz fusion type music you should probably listen to with Quantum Milkshake is because there's this other equally brilliant band that shares musicians with Quantum Milkshake (Namely their flautist (who founded the band with their drummer) and trumpeter). 

Bella Wolf takes influences from all over the place (but more specifically Latin, Pop, Rock and Groove Based Jazz). I was absolutely stoked when Erica contacted me with a copy of the album. Flute, specifically flute played by flautists is not the most represented in Jazz, and Erica plays some of the best Jazz flute I've ever heard. Again, this album is meticulously crafted with intricate rhythms, grooves, and layers. I particularly love the (what I presume to be) improvised solos throughout the album. (in conclusion, this album IS SO GOOD. Unfortunately I don't think it's been released on bandcamp (You can get it on itunes tho.), BUT here's a teaser for the album, and their youtube page

The last band I have to mention this evening is a band called Mr Ott. I saw them at 505 last month and have basically been vamping their album ever since. They're just about the funkiest band ever, and manage to sit right on a fine line I like to call "completely serious music that completely takes the piss at the same time". The bass lines are funky, the performance is tight, the mix is lush, and the compositions are tight, and intricate with crazy solos interspersed. Seriously, JUST GO LISTEN TO IT YO!