Amazing people and the privilage of never having felt the feeling of I Can't

Did you know that for many people "I can't" is a physical feeling? It feels like panic, it feels like tension, it feels like despair, and procrastination, and not living up to your "potential". it feels like letting your goals and dreams slip away because you just can't. Can is too much. Can takes too much energy, so instead you sit there in your "I can't-ness" and let it swollow you. 

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For some people I can't is just a small feeling. It's feeling like they're not smart - rich - childless - good enough to do *insert thing here*. This feeling is valid and just as important to recognise. It's not the same as I won't either. I won't implies defiance. I won't implies choice. 

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I can't is not a choice. There are many amazing people in this world. They do so many things, and lead extraordinary lives. Many will do interviews talking about how they just believed, and worked towards a goal. "It's easy, anyone can do it" they say. "you just have to save more, work more, chase your dreams, your goals and your desires." they say, like it's easy, like it's something everyone can do. These people don't understand. They've had the privelage of not experiencing "I can't" 

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That's not to say these amazing people haven't had to work hard, or experience hardship or make sacrifices, but they've stumbled upon a particular set of arbitrary circumstances that set them apart from other people. These include: Country of origin, race, gender, mental and physical health, supportive family/teachers/peers, knowing the right people, being in the right place at the right time. And because they're wonderful, but imperfect humans that have only ever lived as themselves, they mistake their success as not giving into "I can't" when it's usually not having experienced "I can't" in the first place. 

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I sit in a weird space when it comes to this. I lead a jam packed life full of "chasing my art and living the dream", but I also experience the overwhelming feeling of I can't all the time. Let me tell you, I wouldn't be able to get past this if I didn't have such a lovely and supportive network. I would curl in a ball and cry all day. I would take a normal job I hated and stagnate. I wouldn't travel, I wouldn't see people. I would completely and utterly give into I can't. 

But I don't, because I'm supported and privileged. I think more people who say no to "I can't" need to be introspective and examine their privilege, especially before they preach the word of "everyone can do it", because not everyone can do it. It's not ideal, but it's one of the truest truths in our weird society. 

I suppose the conclusion is, if you give into your feelings of I can't, don't feel bad. Don't feel worthless, because you're not. Breaking out of I can't is hard. And if you're one of these wonderful amazing people preaching the word of "everyone can do it" stop and think about all of the help, support and circumstances you've experienced to get you there, and consider how different the experiences and resources other people have are different. 

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A little off topic, but relevant none the less: I recorded a new video today (technically yesterday now) It's a cute little song about tea, with a rather sad ending. Coincidently, I'm wearing the same outfit in the video, but It was not produced the same day! 

My Little Tour

These are not tour photos (Although, you'll be glad to know I've managed to take outfit photos everyday of the tour dresses I've been wearing!) I took these in December last year. 

I'm currently on tour with Vanishing Shapes. We're currently in Brisbane chilling out before this evening's gig. We've been away from home for about a week, most of which has been spent at, or North of Byron Bay.  

It's crazy just how different the climate is up here, mostly the strength of the sun. I've been slathering myself in sunscreen everyday, and have still managed to get a tiny bit burnt. 

Real talk: I know that it's very necessary, especially during summer (and I make sure to wear it when I'll be out in the sun) but I really do not like wearing sunscreen. Even the "non greasy" stuff leaves a greasy, almost dirty film on my skin. Still way better than a sunburn though. 

I've also not had a hot shower since being up here out of choice. I've not been in a place that's too hot for a hot shower before. I've actually really enjoyed the refreshing cool feeling that comes from a cold shower. 

Apart from the weather, tour has been a really creative time. I've done so much painting (which you can see on my instagram) I've also made some jewellery (which you'll get to see in my next post) 

Most importantly, we've had some absolutely killer gigs! We've hit up the temperance society in Sydney, 5 Church Street in Bellingen, and played two ripper house concerts: Byron fine house music concerts, which was an intimate chill out time, and one for the Porch Project in Yandina Creek with a ripper new band called the score (As soon as they have any kind of social media presence I'll be posting about them! They're rad!) We've also spent time on the streets of Byron Bay busking our little hearts out. 

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I've done a lot of busking in a lot of different places, and I think Byron Bay has been my favourite so far. People actually stop and listen, and chat to you, unlike most other places where everyones in such a rush to be somewhere, and don't have time/patience/cares to have a gander. 

Anyway, I'll be sure to post another update when I can! 

Emeralds on Mustard.

I'm going through a tough mental period at the moment which is resulting in a loss of motivation, and most worryingly for me, a loss of motivation to get dressed. It's not that I have nothing to wear (because that's absolutely not how I feel) it's more that I'm struggling with the combination of early mornings that my school bands require, the late nights that my performances and rehearsal require and the bitter cold that is the Australian winter. I basically want to spend 24/7 rugged up in multiple comfy layers of knit and blankets. 

All of those things put together mean that I'm basically throwing on a pair of thick tights, a plain, but nice enough dress and my favourite coat, which there's absolutely nothing wrong with, but it leaves me feeling "not put together" and dowdy. I miss colour, unexpected details and the motivation to have those things, but I don't currently have the energy or control over my exhaustion levels to change my mindset or patterns. 

I'm going to get real for a sec here. The way I'm feeling is not normal. I've been in this place many times before and usually I've had the luxury of time to get help so I can dig myself out of this hole. I've not got that luxury this time around. All of my time (During clinical hours) is taken up with immovable work, and I'm holding it together "well enough" that on good days I can convince myself that there's nothing wrong and I'm being an idiot. 

The day I put this outfit together was one of these aforementioned good days. I had energy the night before, and got up before I had to (which is a rarity these days). I really dig the combination of mustard and emerald (and I have no idea why I haven't combined these colour before!). I'm not really sure where this post was going, but a jumble of words is all I can manage at the moment. 

Tartan and Trim

I made a thing! And it helped to disperse some of the negative feelings I've been having lately. 

I've been working on using up the fabric in my fabric box and trim in my trim box. Both bits of clothing related stuff had been sitting in my sewing box for like 3 or 4 years, and now will get to see the light of day (semi) regularly as this super cute tartan and trim pleated skirt. 

The construction process of the garment was actually pretty tough. First off, it took me ages to decide where to place the trim. I too-ed and fro-ed over placing it near the waist, near the hem, or below the hem for a good 15 mins, then I had 5 attempts at pleating (and re-pleating) the skirt, which took a good hour.  

I've made a lot of pleated skirts in my time, so the time it took me to construct was quite a surprise. I'm really happy with how it turned out though. The waist fringe is a super cute detail, and the actual construction is some of my neatest work! 

I paired it with this feather collared jumper I picked up op-shopping because the movement in the feathers 1) balances out the movement of the trim and 2) brings out the red in the tartan. The Converse were quite an unconventional choice of footware, but add an interesting twist to the "classic" feeling of the rest of the outfit. 

Sometimes polkadots can be rambly messes too.

If you live in Australia (and haven't been living under a rock) you'll know that we're gearing up for an election. For me, this election season has been fraught with anger and sadness. 

I'm angry that at the last election a majority of the people whom I share this country with believed the lies that The Liberal party and our right wing "unbiased" media fed us. I'm angry that the Liberal government continues to try to continue the deceit. I'm angry that Asylum seekers aren't treated like people and with respect, and are instead left to torch themselves, and die slow traumatic deaths in off shore detention. I'm angry that the budget proposal screws over the majority, and I'm angry that I've had to wait 3 long years before I can do anything to change our governmental situation. 

When I'm tired of feeling angry all I can feel is sadness. Our country is a very sad place at the moment, and I don't know if there will ever be an escape. 

To add to my political frustrations, the NSW state government keeps doing shitty things, like dismantling elected local governments and appointing unelected administrators in their places. I have no words for how the political class is treating everyone else. They're so separate, yet their decisions affect literally everything. And somehow there are still people who don't care! I just can't hey. 

Anyway, all of these feelings are why I've not been around on this little internet space. My head has been spinning with too many negative thoughts, which makes it 1)hard to make outfits 2) hard to find motivation to shoot (also hard because the sun is setting earlier and earlier) 3) motivation to compile all the things into a post. 

I shot this outfit a little over a week ago when I went for a walk with my parents along a local cycle path. I put this outfit together in one of my brief periods of not feeling angry. I also managed to ladder these tights when I returned home from shooting this outfit. 

Ugh, this has been so rambly and stuff. Whatever. That's where my head is yo.