You don't have to stay just because it's long term.

I am going to have significantly more time to work on this blog and my artistic pursuits in the coming months because I have just done the hardest thing I've ever emotionally had to do: leave an emotionally abusive relationship.  

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Abuse is really scary, even more so after you realise what it is. In terms of what I experienced I consider myself very lucky. The experiences I've had over the last year have been mild, although like most abusive cycles, the "good times" were getting less and less, and the "bad times" were getting more intense and more regular. 

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When I realised what was happening, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the blind fold had been pulled from my eyes. The transition from healthy loving relationship to toxic relationship was so slow. It also took a lot of research to realise that his behaviour wasn't ok (This article in particular helped me a lot https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/11/signs-partner-manipulative/)

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I don't think my ex realised what he was doing was abuse. It's no excuse for his behaviour, but I truely believe he didn't realise the emotional consequences of his actions. I just hope he learns as much from this relationship as I have. 

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As far as how I'm doing, I'm incredibly angry. I feel betrayed and lied to. I also feel like the last of my childhood hope and trust and naivety has disappeared. I loved this human with all of my heart, and in return all I received was a box I had to conform to which shrank over time. I gave so much time and energy which I could have been putting into my friends and my art. 

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Here's a note to my future self and a note to anyone else about the type of behaviour you should never tolerate in a long term relationship: 

1) Policing your behaviour and calling you out on being "socially unacceptable". 

2) Contempt towards your career path and passions. 

3) The alteration of your space in major ways, particularly buying "shared furniture" which you wouldn't otherwise be interested in or purchase

4) Share of travel based on time schedules 

5) Lack of communication, particularly the silent treatment. 

6) Being involved with my friends and my family.

7) Respecting my emotional needs. 

8) Waiting for things to get better, because the longer you wait, the worse they will get.

9) Hypocritical behaviour.  

10) Alteration of you as a human in major ways. 

11) Being afraid to ask to do things together because it's consistently met with either contempt or a unreasonably negative attitude. 

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These are all the things I can think of right now. I'm sure there are more, and I'm sure I will write a follow up post about how I'm recovering from this trauma. 

There is no excuse for any type of abuse, and just because it's mild doesn't make it any less wrong. There is nothing wrong with me, and if you've had this misfortune of experiencing this kind of behaviour, there is nothing wrong with you either. 

2 Years

As of the end of May I've had this blog for two whole years! It's been really interesting looking back at how my style, photography and writing has changed whilst I've had this internet space. I thought I would mark the occasion by re-posting my favourite outfit from each month over the last year. I meant to post this last month (but everything got super busy surprise surprise). I hope the next year is just as good as the last. 

May 2015

May 2015

June 2015

June 2015

July 2015

July 2015

August 2015

August 2015

September 2015

September 2015

October 2015

October 2015

November 2015

November 2015

December 2015

December 2015

January 2016

January 2016

February 2016 

February 2016 

March 2016

March 2016

April 2016

April 2016

Tartan and Trim

I made a thing! And it helped to disperse some of the negative feelings I've been having lately. 

I've been working on using up the fabric in my fabric box and trim in my trim box. Both bits of clothing related stuff had been sitting in my sewing box for like 3 or 4 years, and now will get to see the light of day (semi) regularly as this super cute tartan and trim pleated skirt. 

The construction process of the garment was actually pretty tough. First off, it took me ages to decide where to place the trim. I too-ed and fro-ed over placing it near the waist, near the hem, or below the hem for a good 15 mins, then I had 5 attempts at pleating (and re-pleating) the skirt, which took a good hour.  

I've made a lot of pleated skirts in my time, so the time it took me to construct was quite a surprise. I'm really happy with how it turned out though. The waist fringe is a super cute detail, and the actual construction is some of my neatest work! 

I paired it with this feather collared jumper I picked up op-shopping because the movement in the feathers 1) balances out the movement of the trim and 2) brings out the red in the tartan. The Converse were quite an unconventional choice of footware, but add an interesting twist to the "classic" feeling of the rest of the outfit. 

Grey Sunflowers.

I'm a bit sick of talking about my feelings, especially at the moment and especially here. All of my posts recently have been about my negative feels, and I don't want this space to be about that. 

Unfortunately it's pretty hard to not talk about the massive funk which I've found myself in when it takes up a good percentage of my brain. To break the 4th wall for a second, I've literally been sitting here for a good half hour trying to write about something other than my feelings, and it's just not happening. 

Part of the funk is definitely because I haven't made new clothes recently. I've talked about this before, but making outfits is hard for me when I'm not making new clothes frequently, but then again, making clothes is hard when all I want to do is watch netflix. 

These are all super duper first world problems, but gosh darn it, I really don't care at the moment. I'm allowed to feel not great even when others have it way worse. Anyway, those are my thoughts in all of their raw, rambly glory.