Amazing people and the privilage of never having felt the feeling of I Can't

Did you know that for many people "I can't" is a physical feeling? It feels like panic, it feels like tension, it feels like despair, and procrastination, and not living up to your "potential". it feels like letting your goals and dreams slip away because you just can't. Can is too much. Can takes too much energy, so instead you sit there in your "I can't-ness" and let it swollow you. 

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For some people I can't is just a small feeling. It's feeling like they're not smart - rich - childless - good enough to do *insert thing here*. This feeling is valid and just as important to recognise. It's not the same as I won't either. I won't implies defiance. I won't implies choice. 

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I can't is not a choice. There are many amazing people in this world. They do so many things, and lead extraordinary lives. Many will do interviews talking about how they just believed, and worked towards a goal. "It's easy, anyone can do it" they say. "you just have to save more, work more, chase your dreams, your goals and your desires." they say, like it's easy, like it's something everyone can do. These people don't understand. They've had the privelage of not experiencing "I can't" 

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That's not to say these amazing people haven't had to work hard, or experience hardship or make sacrifices, but they've stumbled upon a particular set of arbitrary circumstances that set them apart from other people. These include: Country of origin, race, gender, mental and physical health, supportive family/teachers/peers, knowing the right people, being in the right place at the right time. And because they're wonderful, but imperfect humans that have only ever lived as themselves, they mistake their success as not giving into "I can't" when it's usually not having experienced "I can't" in the first place. 

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I sit in a weird space when it comes to this. I lead a jam packed life full of "chasing my art and living the dream", but I also experience the overwhelming feeling of I can't all the time. Let me tell you, I wouldn't be able to get past this if I didn't have such a lovely and supportive network. I would curl in a ball and cry all day. I would take a normal job I hated and stagnate. I wouldn't travel, I wouldn't see people. I would completely and utterly give into I can't. 

But I don't, because I'm supported and privileged. I think more people who say no to "I can't" need to be introspective and examine their privilege, especially before they preach the word of "everyone can do it", because not everyone can do it. It's not ideal, but it's one of the truest truths in our weird society. 

I suppose the conclusion is, if you give into your feelings of I can't, don't feel bad. Don't feel worthless, because you're not. Breaking out of I can't is hard. And if you're one of these wonderful amazing people preaching the word of "everyone can do it" stop and think about all of the help, support and circumstances you've experienced to get you there, and consider how different the experiences and resources other people have are different. 

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A little off topic, but relevant none the less: I recorded a new video today (technically yesterday now) It's a cute little song about tea, with a rather sad ending. Coincidently, I'm wearing the same outfit in the video, but It was not produced the same day! 

Magic Rose.

This dress yo. 

This dress is basically everything I love in a silky chiffon package. It's got lovely shape and movement, it's full of layers, packed with texture and is completely girly and over the top in the most palatable kind of way. It's also been sitting in my wardrobe since christmas, unworn. 

I wore this out for the first time last night. Ro and I had a super cute date night. We went to Reviver, which is the only classic cocktail bar on the central coast, and had dinner/drinks. It's been a good year since we were there last, and as places that serve consumables do, they changed their menu (for the better) 

Dress: Lady Petrova, Tights: Ebay, Shoes: Thrifted. 

Dress: Lady Petrova, Tights: Ebay, Shoes: Thrifted. 

Anyway, there are two reasons It's taken me so long to wear this beautiful specimen. 1) It doesn't fit the button collective uniform of brown, neutral and old time-y (Which is how I spent the majority of my summer) 2) It's not working with children/working at schools safe (Which is what I'm doing for work now. It shows off just a bit too much leg/everything else to be school friendly).  

I'm naturally inclined towards clothes that can be warn to school (i.e longer hems, covered tops) but, as I said before, this dress is perfection. The dress itself was a gift from my mum. One of our favourite pass times is window shopping our favourite designers on the internet. Anyway, I'd been eyeing this dress off for a good year and a half, and then my parents went on a holiday to Melbourne (and called in at Lady Petrova's Boutique, hence how this dress ended up on my body. Thanks mum <3 ). 

It's funny, before I saw the dress in person, I thought the applique detail around the waist was coral, but it turns out that it's roses! It's interesting how details get lost on a screen through a  photograph. 

Now i've worn it for the first time, It's going to be hard not to wear it all the time. I'm thinking I'll just have to sew a more conservative slip and some sort of tulle petticoat to go underneath it so it can be work appropriate...  

Manic Pixie Sailor Girl

I think I've talked about this before, but I have two problems when it comes to listening to music. 1) I'm a bit of a fuss pot when it comes to what I listen to 2) I need new music all the time to keep me stimulated/ getting bored of the stuff on my Ipod. 

Usually this combination makes for a hellish nightmare of me spending hours to find new music to listen to, but not getting rewarded for my efforts. Somehow in the last few months since I did this last, my googling/youtube skills have improved because I.Found.So.Many.New.Peeps.To.Listen.To!!!! 

Without further ado, here's the first impression of the awesome music I downloaded today. 

Casa Loma: These peeps make this lovely grungy emo heavyish music that I've loved since I was a wee lass. They've only got three tracks available, because according to my internet stalking, they're a pretty fresh band. 

Land Lady: I've mentioned this many a time, but I'm not great with genre categorisation of music, which is great for this band as they describe their genre as "surprise". They're a mesh of all the good things - compositionally sound, dynamic, full of complex vocal harmonies, and feature a range of minimalist and maximalist textures.  

Giraffes?Giraffes!  : Do you like instrumental music? Do you like Math Rock? These dudes have both of these things in their music, and they do them so incredibly well. Their pieces are so intricately constructed with a variety of different textures, and never fall into the "too much going on" trap that some instrumental music falls into. 

The Speed Of Sound in Seawater: What's better than one guitar doing pretty finger picking with sweet lilting vocals? Two guitars doing pretty finger picking with lilting vocals! That's not all this band does though. Aforementioned pretty guitars and vocals are perfectly supported by a super tight bass and drum pairing. Their writing features elements of Math rock, and have a very slight folk sound. It's just good yo! 

Malvador: Sometimes these guys have those oompah circus feels, and sometimes they're more math rocky, but again, they're all things good. They remind me the tinyiest bit of Ungus Ungus Ungus who are a werid amalgamation of circus folk experimental etc. 

Tangled Hair : So much Math rock today! These guys sit down the prettier end of math rock with their glockenspiels and their british indie vocal vibes.  I adore their use of polyrhythms (Which may or may not tangle your hair) 

Delta Sleep: sit on the grungy side of math rock. The rhythms are intricate and complex, interspersed with strong rhythmic unisons. These guys scratch a music itch I didn't realise I have, as they sit partway between various genre spaces. 

Hang In Balance: Do you know what a HangDrum is? It's the mystical spaceship like object that produces the most beautiful singing percussion sound. If flute was a percussion instrument this is what it would sound like. 

The Honey Trees: Do dream pop right. Their vocals are super sweet and floaty (pretty much the sound version of lens flair and bokeh) whilst the accompaniment is moving and light. 

Bolero: Lady Petrova, Shirt: Ebay, Belt: Kmart, Skirt: Home made, Socks: Socks and more, Boots: Dr Martens.

Bolero: Lady Petrova, Shirt: Ebay, Belt: Kmart, Skirt: Home made, Socks: Socks and more, Boots: Dr Martens.

Speaking of dreampop... What I wore yesterday was pretty darn dreampop. I sewed this skirt in 2014 using vintage material I picked up from shop 55 in woy woy. If I remember correctly, it was from the 60's. I only had a small amount of material to work with, so I made this here boxpleat mini skirt! It also looks super rad with the Bolero I bought from Lady Petrova on Tour! :D 

No longer a Thesis Hermit

shoes Guess what!? My thesis is finally done and dusted. I actually have time to do stuff like get dressed (ie: Not just throw on a dress and be done with it), shoot photo's, paint, practice non recital stuff, see people (write on my neglected internet spaces...) SO YES! You can expect more content/more clothes of my own creation from now on (because time is a thing I have access to)

 

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I've not really talked about my thesis very much online, but now it's finished I think I'm ready to type a TLDR. The subject was :Advocating Solo Piccolo through Composition and Performance. Basically, the piccolo (aka tiny high pitched wooden flute) is not taken seriously as a solo instrument. I prefer playing piccolo over flute, and would like to be able to do recitals, so I took the first step in making this a thing by 1) analysing composition textbooks/compositions to define what makes a good composition for piccolo 2) composed a 35 minuite program of 5 works for the instrument and 3) performed them in a recital. My Dad was kind enough to film the recital for me, and hopefully I'll upload it in the near future. I'm also going to take a scary first step to being a proper composer type person and construct a web site over the summer break :s. If you're interested in reading my thesis/want to know more about/ play my compositions shoot me an email: mooology@live.com

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Speaking of music! During my absence I've played/found so much great music! I'll start with music from early November! My friend Louise released her first Ep: The anatomy of a wing. It's 6 tracks of folky/art music goodness, and was the sound track to many late night study sessions I had. Unfortunately She's not got it online for purchase yet, but if you send her a message through facebook, I'm sure you'll be able to get a copy :P I was lucky enough to be involved in her album launch, and had an absolute blast.

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The next super fun music type thing that happened was playing Mullumbimby Music Festival with The Button Collective. It was 3 crazy days of making music as a 6 piece (aka, the absolute best way to play with the button collective)/listening to music/ hanging out with the boys. I listened to so much great music over that weekend, but the standout band for me was Oh Pep! who are a folk - bluegrass band. Their composition style reminds me a ton of my favourite Math Rock band Maps and Atlases.

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Finally, one of my favourite Sydney bands The Squeezebox Trio released their first album: And A Hotplate. They're a gypsy jazz band, with a core group of violin, guitar and piano accordion.  As well as being fabulous musicians, they're brilliant arrangers, and really bring new life to the jazz standards they play. The originals on the album are pretty darn brilliant as well (my personal favourite is the cider thief, and not just because of the story that goes along with it).

(Oh and I also Joined a Wind Quintet, because, you know, I don't play enough music :P You can check us out here if you're interested.)

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As I mentioned earlier, while I was being a thesis hermit, I kind of stopped dressing like me, because my brain was just so full of junk and tiredness. I think I've well and truly come out of my fashion funk with this outfit! My Mum bought me the skirt and shoes as a "well done for surviving uni" Present. I bought the bolero from Lady Petrova when shapes visited Melbourne, and I got the shirt from the op shop! I made the belt out of flowers purchased from the fake flower shop near my house (which is a super weird, but really cool place)

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It's really nice to be back. I've not done anything completely creative since the end of Septmeber/beginning of October. I'm sure I'll be able to keep up a better routine with all of my new found free time :D

Radioactive Rosebushes

shoes A week ago today my phone was stolen on my evening train trip home. I'd fallen asleep because I'd had a long day and was utterly exhausted. It wasn't a calculated sleep, It just sort of happened. Just before I drifted off my phone was in my hand, which was resting in my lap. When I woke up it was no where to be seen.

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At first I thought It must have fallen to the ground, but a thorougher search did not see my phone returned to my hand. Next I searched my bag thinking that I may have put it away and not remembered. I turned my bag inside out, but there was no phone.

I managed to stay pretty calm, and I came to terms with the fact I'd never see my phone again (It was on 5% battery at the time, and there was a good 40 mins between when I realised it was missing and when I arrived at my station.) I wiped all the data I could and changed all of my passwords (I had to do a manual reset of my digital life as Android Device manager (the Android version of find my iphone) does not have remote wipe enabled by default for fear of data loss. There's a box you have to tick to enable it, which is hidden in a settings menu :/ Great work google). I was fortunate that my digital life remained untouched, and that I was in the last month of my plan (meaning I could get a new phone without paying a squillion dollars)

 

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I ended up getting the Huawei G8, which is a decent mid range phone, but really super cheap compared to other phones that share the same specs. I love everything about the phone except for one silly "trendy" design choice - the use of a 2.5D screen. "what the heck is a 2.5D screen?" I hear you ask. Well my friend, it's when the edges of your phone screen are slightly curved towards the edge of the phone. It serves two functions 1) to be aesthetically pleasing and 2) to make it impossible to get a screen protector which covers the phone edge to edge. (the ones on the market for my phone leave a good 4mm of glass unprotected around the edge.)

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I love a pretty phone as much as the next person, but cannot stand when form is chosen over functionality. The most frustrating thing is Huawei isn't the only manufacturer doing this. Makes no sense yo.

 

 

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On an unrelated note, how cute is this dress? I bought this piece recently from Lady Petrova, who is my favourite Australian designer. She released it last year as part of her Summer collection "Sixteen". This is one of those pieces that I'd been eyeing off all year. It was reduced, then reduced again, then reduced one more time to a price I couldn't refuse.

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It's made out of this super soft lime green metallic faux leather material. The construction is immaculate, more of a connected skirt and crop to than a dress. I paired it with the shirt so I could be a bit more covered up (Also gave me some fabric I could pin the butterfly collar pins my mum bought me to, which are the exact same shade of green as the dress) It's very mod/futuristic, and goes with so many things in my wardrobe!

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It took me so long to photograph this outfit. The first time I tried, I took several underexposed blurry photo's (I've been experimenting with some new lenses) before a huge downpour completely drenched my everything (I was able to keep my equipment dry, but not me) The same thing happened whilst taking these shots. It started pouring as I'd finished shooting.

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I must say, wearing this dress made me feel so much better about the whole phone situation. It's hard to be sad about things like that when you're wearing a pretty dress.

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