It's been 10 years since highschool.

It’s been 10 years since highschool. Here are 5 short thoughts I’ve been having about my early adult years.

1) I mastered the art of choosing friends as a teenager. The relationships I developed during this time have only grown stronger with age, and whilst we may not catch up as often as we’d like, I consider these humans my family.
This chosen family has also grown - as these friends spread their wings, they brought more humans into our circle whom I love dearly.

2) The path to career success is cloudier than it’s ever been. All of my professional skills are stronger,  but the paths that I thought would lead me to success remain invisible.

The stagnation of career progression makes me cry once a week.

3) I follow a small number of humans from this time that I did not get along with. Originally I maintained this parasocial connection out of morbid curiosity, but 10 years later I enjoy a glimpse into the success and joy’s they’ve found outside of the school system.

4) I’m still not over the trauma caused by the HSC. The panic attacks I have any time I have to write formally are getting worse as I’m getting older. This makes me so angry. I have nowhere to put this anger.

5) Did you know everything costs money? Because everything costs money. I have a lot of health and career needs that can’t be met because everything costs money. I hate money.

About the look: I made these pants earlier in the year, and have slowly been accumulating a rainbow wardrobe to match it. This is an outfit I wear frequently, and makes my dark days a little brighter.

IN OTHER NEWS I HAVE TWO GIGS COMING UP PLEASE COME :)

NEWCASTLE: JULY 30TH with Photo of the Moon at the Royal Exchange Saloon Theatre.

Tickets available here: https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/the-emerald-ruby-the-royal-exchange-theatre-with-photo-of-the-moon-tickets-153422947165?fbclid=IwAR0184lWyazr-f2-kfZreL-I-D0CLNfzeOPCVrhwKyrA-QnsOwpWBqJ6w4o

SYDNEY: AUGUST 22nd with Cameron Jones and his Trio at Lazybones Lounge.

Tickets here: https://moshtix.com.au/v2/event/lvl-1-the-emerald-ruby-in-my-thoughts-with-cameron-jones-trio/127933?fbclid=IwAR3CQQOnAeANLCwi4Hr-S5RH1UeXque5EGx1wJjy9KP0yZPXy5zkFfqpO2c 

Triple J Lowest 200

Every year Australias favourite ABC affiliated radio station hosts a popularity contest. It’s kind of like the charts, except this is based solely on what people vote. I suppose it’s a yearly musical election of sorts!

Anyway, after this countdown, there’s usually a debate of some kind on a musicians facebook group I’m part of. The TLDR is usually along the lines of Triple J is garbage and everything voted in is garbage and everything is garbage. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that many of the hot tunes aren’t my cup of tea, but just because I don’t like tea, doesn’t mean other people don’t (and I have no right to determine what tea anyone should drink!)

This year the debate got me thinking - Triple J is all about supporting Australian Independent artists, and they have access to this massive data base of votes. Why not have a follow up show showcasing the music that ended up at the bottom?

There are pros and cons to this - The biggest obvious pro is a segment like this would support the unknown underdog artists that would never make a blip on a mildly mainstream musical list like this. It would literally be career changing.

Saying that, there are also two main con’s I can see. The first is who’s to say there aren’t 1000 tunes that came equal last? The other con is the lower scoring tunes may not be of a professional standard, which is empirical for the success of a show such as this (and also to uphold the reputation of Triple J, and the support they provide for artists trying to break into the scene)

Perhaps instead of a “pure” lowest 200, they could do a curated show based upon tunes in the lowest 200? I don’t know, I don’t have access to their data base, nor the social capital to make this happen!

Speaking of bands, I’m #representing the Button Collective in this shoot! This is my modified Button Band Shirt that was once thrust upon me before a gig we played in Bellingen. Twas a fun night, and tis a comfy shirt! You can listen to our tunes below (and yes, in this case, totally judge our music by a photo shoot ;P)

R U OK with Mental Health Awareness Day?

After trying to type the intro to this post in a delicate way many times over, I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t like “single day events” that are dedicated to mental health. This isn’t to say I don’t think talking about mental health is important. I absolutely do, but as someone with mental health issues I find it belittling to have the general populous designate a “safe day” to talk about something that’s literally life or death.

I appreciate the intention behind “days” like “mental health awareness day” and “R U OK” day. I understand logically that it’s well intentioned, but for me I just feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings on days like this, like as someone who’s mental state is part of the discussion I’m expected to weigh in and share, because it’s the “safe day”.

(I just want to add a disclaimer here that I know there are others who suffer from mental health issues that don’t share my thoughts and feelings about this subject and who find days like these to have a positive impact on them. My word isn’t the be all and end all, after all I can only come at topics from my tiny experience in this massive world)

I think the thing that upsets me the most about “days” is that it masquerades as a solution without hitting the systemic nail on the head. My interpretation of the problem is as follows: Talking about mental health is hard and uncomfortable, so here’s a “safe day” for “everyone” to discuss the issue, but once that day is over “everyone” can go back to not talking about these problems because it’s easier.

The sad truth of the matter is it’s only easier to sweep discussing mental health under the rug until someone dies. The end of a life makes it real, because the saddest reality is that one or two days of national support doesn’t make the other 363 days a year a supportive place to talk about the feelings that overwhelm you, or an ease the anxiety or shame that accompanies asking for help.

There are two people who have made me feel safe to talk openly and honestly about my mental health. Beckie J Brown (through her youtube channel Trichjournal) and Rachael Maria Cox (They’re a nonbinary singer songwriter with a killer band and sing/talk about feelings on the reg). The biggest thing that they have in common is that they talk about mental health all the time. They talk about what they’ve experienced, how it affects them, how they received help, how to go about finding health (etc.) They make the discussion an all the time thing, like it should be.

I started listening to a podcast called “No Feeling Is Final” the other day (mental health awareness day to be exact). Something the host Honor talks about is the simplification of the message about mental health (which I feel “days” perpetuate). “Just ask for help”. It sounds so easy, but it’s not. You spend so much time, energy and money searching for a solution, because asking for help isn’t a one time thing. It’s a full time job.

The last time I spent an extended period “asking for help” I had to take a sabbatical from the help I was seeking because the process of “getting well” was wearing me thin. Nobody tells you that “asking for help” might not lead to you getting better, because that’s not what’s easy to talk about.

So yeah, those are some thoughts I’ve been having over the past few days. After my whole pessimistic spiel, I will say I think society is slowing getting better at talking about the hard things. Social change is a hard process, but (fortunately) it doesn’t stop it from happening. (doesn’t make me any happier about “days” though ;P)

On a lighter note I made a dress! The dress I’m wearing in these here photos to be exact! It’s yet another item I’ve made to fit into my collection of pyjamacore clothing (defined loosely as clothes that look “presentable” but feel like pyjamas)

When I’m having a bit of a time with my brain, loose fitting clothing helps my existence to feel less claustrophobic, which is precisely why a lot of my recent sewing has been geared towards roomy fits (a stark contrast from me of 4 years ago with “snug” fits)

Final note: I certainly talked about some stuff in this post, and it may bring up feelings about your own stuff. If that’s the case, there is help avalible!

Lifeline on 13 11 14

Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800

MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978

Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36

Headspace on 1800 650 890

QLife on 1800 184 527

(And finally for my musician peeps) Support Act 1800 959 500