Invisible Suffering caused by Stigma.

At first glance, you wouldn’t expect that I’d be the person who suffers daily from stigma. I’m white, conventionally attractive. I finished High school, then Uni, and now work in the arts. My house is clean and tidy, I pay all my bills and I appear to function in a relatively normal way.

On the inside none of these things are true, and I can’t talk about it beyond vague-ities because there’s this gigantic cloud of stigma waiting to rain on this lovely little life I’ve struggled to build. I exist behind this perfectly manicured mask of functionality, and I’m acutely aware of the dire long term consequences if it slips.

My experience of stigma is never being able to exist as yourself safely in a majority of spaces. It’s not feeling safe to reach out to systems and supports that are supposed to be able to help you because the label carries more risk then suffering in silence and pretending to be fine. It’s watching people exhaustingly raise awareness all the time, yet not seeing politicians make systemic changes that will actually help.

I’m one of the lucky ones. The stigma I experience isn’t directed at me, because I pass, and I spend all my spoons to continue passing. It’s exhausting.
My heart aches for all those who can’t escape whatever stigma affects them. It’s not fair, but what’s the solution? I can only observe what the solution is not.

Things change too slowly. The pace of change makes me so angry. It doesn’t have to be like this, but it is, was and continues to be like this.

About the look: On a more positive note, how fun is this vaguely 90’s grunge inspired look !? I bought the fabric for this skirt almost 10 years ago now from my favourite little vintage shop located in Woy Woy. It sat there, in my stash, begging to be made into clothes for so long, not because I didn’t love it, but because there was so little of it.
I couldn’t resist leaning into the yellow of the tartan pattern, hence allllll the yellow.

R U OK with Mental Health Awareness Day?

After trying to type the intro to this post in a delicate way many times over, I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t like “single day events” that are dedicated to mental health. This isn’t to say I don’t think talking about mental health is important. I absolutely do, but as someone with mental health issues I find it belittling to have the general populous designate a “safe day” to talk about something that’s literally life or death.

I appreciate the intention behind “days” like “mental health awareness day” and “R U OK” day. I understand logically that it’s well intentioned, but for me I just feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings on days like this, like as someone who’s mental state is part of the discussion I’m expected to weigh in and share, because it’s the “safe day”.

(I just want to add a disclaimer here that I know there are others who suffer from mental health issues that don’t share my thoughts and feelings about this subject and who find days like these to have a positive impact on them. My word isn’t the be all and end all, after all I can only come at topics from my tiny experience in this massive world)

I think the thing that upsets me the most about “days” is that it masquerades as a solution without hitting the systemic nail on the head. My interpretation of the problem is as follows: Talking about mental health is hard and uncomfortable, so here’s a “safe day” for “everyone” to discuss the issue, but once that day is over “everyone” can go back to not talking about these problems because it’s easier.

The sad truth of the matter is it’s only easier to sweep discussing mental health under the rug until someone dies. The end of a life makes it real, because the saddest reality is that one or two days of national support doesn’t make the other 363 days a year a supportive place to talk about the feelings that overwhelm you, or an ease the anxiety or shame that accompanies asking for help.

There are two people who have made me feel safe to talk openly and honestly about my mental health. Beckie J Brown (through her youtube channel Trichjournal) and Rachael Maria Cox (They’re a nonbinary singer songwriter with a killer band and sing/talk about feelings on the reg). The biggest thing that they have in common is that they talk about mental health all the time. They talk about what they’ve experienced, how it affects them, how they received help, how to go about finding health (etc.) They make the discussion an all the time thing, like it should be.

I started listening to a podcast called “No Feeling Is Final” the other day (mental health awareness day to be exact). Something the host Honor talks about is the simplification of the message about mental health (which I feel “days” perpetuate). “Just ask for help”. It sounds so easy, but it’s not. You spend so much time, energy and money searching for a solution, because asking for help isn’t a one time thing. It’s a full time job.

The last time I spent an extended period “asking for help” I had to take a sabbatical from the help I was seeking because the process of “getting well” was wearing me thin. Nobody tells you that “asking for help” might not lead to you getting better, because that’s not what’s easy to talk about.

So yeah, those are some thoughts I’ve been having over the past few days. After my whole pessimistic spiel, I will say I think society is slowing getting better at talking about the hard things. Social change is a hard process, but (fortunately) it doesn’t stop it from happening. (doesn’t make me any happier about “days” though ;P)

On a lighter note I made a dress! The dress I’m wearing in these here photos to be exact! It’s yet another item I’ve made to fit into my collection of pyjamacore clothing (defined loosely as clothes that look “presentable” but feel like pyjamas)

When I’m having a bit of a time with my brain, loose fitting clothing helps my existence to feel less claustrophobic, which is precisely why a lot of my recent sewing has been geared towards roomy fits (a stark contrast from me of 4 years ago with “snug” fits)

Final note: I certainly talked about some stuff in this post, and it may bring up feelings about your own stuff. If that’s the case, there is help avalible!

Lifeline on 13 11 14

Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800

MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978

Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36

Headspace on 1800 650 890

QLife on 1800 184 527

(And finally for my musician peeps) Support Act 1800 959 500

When life won't let you take a break.

(Unrelated to the topic at hand:For the first time in a while I forgot to take a shoe photo! I hate it when this happens :( Oh well, it happens) 

I want to talk about burn out today, specifically when you have to work through burn out. Unfortunately it's pertinent to my mental state at the moment, and has been on and off for many years.

To me, burn out feels like molasses. It's an all encompassing feeling, which makes me physically and mentally feel slow and gluggy. The pit of anxiety and overwhelm likes to rear it's ugly head and I also tend to become withdrawn, irritable, and flitter between too much and too little sleep. For those who have experienced burnout before, this may sound really familiar (that being said, your feelings may be different) and for those of you who haven't experienged it, consider yourself lucky ! :) 

If I worked a normal job, to cure these feelings I would take a few days off to destress, cut down on my commitments and focus on doing things I enjoy. This becomes twisted when big parts of your job fit into "this makes me feel good and helps me to destress". For example, I find the pre gig responsibilities and post gig aftermath pretty stressful sometimes, but the act of playing a good gig takes away the bad feels like nothing else. I also rely on the gig for income, further complicating the situation. 

More often than not, this leads me to working through my burnout. I know it's not healthy and that it probably keeps the sads around for longer, but the alternative for me (which is immediately cutting back on creative projects) is far more scary. 

There have been periods of burnout which have ended in spouts of depression where I've been unable to work work to even 50% capacity for (seemingly) endless months. It's almost like once I loose the momentum it's 200% harder to return to my fullest productive self. 

Over the last 2 years, I've experienced a couple of burnouts which I've worked (as in not slowed down my job worked) my way through. As such I've developed a couple of coping mechanisms. My favourites are:

1) The brain dump. This is basically a "to do list, but it also includes human things such as "take some time out" "don't forget to breath" and "you don't need to worry/panic". For these lists I also assign different tasks to different days so I don't feel like the full list in one days work. 

2) Talking to friends/making last minuite plans. I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH how important friends are. I've recently reconnected with my closest buddies/found some amazing new friends after a really awful breakup earlier this year. Without these people to hang with, I would find myself staying in and wallowing much more frequently. (Saying this, once I return to "normal" I still seek out their friendship, it's just when I'm feeling crappy, I tend to not see anyone at all for weeks at a time and disappear off the face of the earth!) 

3) Making a conscious effort not to beat myself up about productivity. If you can remember back to this year, this has been my only New Years resolution, and I've been doing pretty well at it! One of my mantras has become "you can only get what you have done today, done today". Whenever I feel myself slipping into "work guilt" I say this, either in my head or outloud. While it doesn't immediately solve the issue, it does help to calm my brain and make the feelings less strong/easier to work through. Along the same vein, every time I do a thing that's not feel sad and watch youtube I give myself a proverbial pat on the back. Whatever I'm trying to do may be small and insignificant, but the fact I did it, feeling like this is an absolute miracle. 

4) I try to remember this feeling isn't forever. This helps to keep the burnout sads from becoming existential (which is a whole other layer of weird). 

I'd like to conclude with something positive, but it's hard for me to think positively when i'm stuck smack bang in the middle of burnout. Real talk: Every time I "recover" from burnout I tell myself "this is the last time" but it never is. I suppose I'm scared that this cyclical feeling will continue my whole life. I'm also scared that one day the feeling will just swallow my whole (woah, that got dark quickly). That being said, I see so many people who are older than me functioning like humans should. I'm sure they've all been through periods like this, and look at them! Mental health. It's certainly a thing. 

LASTLY! I'd like to call your attention to my mailing list! https://mailchi.mp/edf9944672b3/the-emerald-ruby-mailing-list-signup It's a thing I have now because I don't trust the algorithmic gods to deliver the stuff I make to the people who want to see it! I'll be starting it up once I get back from my July tour, so if you'd like better access to my online life, feel free to pop your email in the thing! :)