Invisible Suffering caused by Stigma.

At first glance, you wouldn’t expect that I’d be the person who suffers daily from stigma. I’m white, conventionally attractive. I finished High school, then Uni, and now work in the arts. My house is clean and tidy, I pay all my bills and I appear to function in a relatively normal way.

On the inside none of these things are true, and I can’t talk about it beyond vague-ities because there’s this gigantic cloud of stigma waiting to rain on this lovely little life I’ve struggled to build. I exist behind this perfectly manicured mask of functionality, and I’m acutely aware of the dire long term consequences if it slips.

My experience of stigma is never being able to exist as yourself safely in a majority of spaces. It’s not feeling safe to reach out to systems and supports that are supposed to be able to help you because the label carries more risk then suffering in silence and pretending to be fine. It’s watching people exhaustingly raise awareness all the time, yet not seeing politicians make systemic changes that will actually help.

I’m one of the lucky ones. The stigma I experience isn’t directed at me, because I pass, and I spend all my spoons to continue passing. It’s exhausting.
My heart aches for all those who can’t escape whatever stigma affects them. It’s not fair, but what’s the solution? I can only observe what the solution is not.

Things change too slowly. The pace of change makes me so angry. It doesn’t have to be like this, but it is, was and continues to be like this.

About the look: On a more positive note, how fun is this vaguely 90’s grunge inspired look !? I bought the fabric for this skirt almost 10 years ago now from my favourite little vintage shop located in Woy Woy. It sat there, in my stash, begging to be made into clothes for so long, not because I didn’t love it, but because there was so little of it.
I couldn’t resist leaning into the yellow of the tartan pattern, hence allllll the yellow.

Tiny Owl Forest

Boy has it been an eventful few days. I'm not one to seek out adventure, but when you're a musician adventure seems to seek you out, particularly if you're the type of musician who tends to play their fair share of festivals and go on their fair share of tours. 

I've spent the time just between Christmas and now travelling to Byron Bay Falls festival to play gigs with the Button Collective, finding out my tiny dog noodle went missing and being unable to do anything about it because I was away (It's all good now, she was returned to us by a very kind couple), dropping my partner at the airport, sleeping in a backpackers in surfers paradise so I could do an enormous amount of washing following my tent/possessions getting drenched in a Byron Bay storm, and finally starting the Vanishing Shapes summer tour. 

These past few weeks have been very up and down, and I miss home a lot (although a bit less now that I'm not on my own anymore) It's interesting seeing these photos so long after I took them, particularly after the home sickness I've been feeling. I remember stressing a lot about the concept of being away from home for a month while taking these, desperately trying to prepare all of the tech items/non tech items I would need to continue my various creative projects as normal. 

Like this time last year, I'm taking photos of every outfit I'm wearing whilst of tour. It helps me maintain a bit of a schedule, and normality, so stay tuned for that! :) 

Windmills

It's no secret that I create a lot of different stuff, from music and sculpture, to (more recently) videos, I have my fingers in a lot of creative pies. 

I just have this drive to create.  

For me, creating stuff is ultimate freedom. When I'm not creating I feel caged in and trapped. 

I've been thinking quite a bit about why I have my finger in so many creative pies. I've finally started to unravel the thoughts and feelings surrounding my creative output. 

I want freedom. I want freedom of expression. I want freedom of time. I want freedom of materials and imagination. 

One of the "rules" of adulthood is that you don't get to create and imagine like a child. You're not allowed to have an illogical river of ideas and creativity, and if you do, you're certainly not allowed to express them. 

To express yourself in an authentic creative way is to break society's rules. To live a completely creative life, free from corporate shackles is to defy the rules that are drilled into every tiny school student. Don't question, just follow. Don't create, just copy. Do what you're told, when you're told to do it.  

Now, don't get me wrong. There's a lot of merit to education, and there are some really good things about modern education. But there are also a lot of things that are screwed up, which is how we find ourselves in a society that touts creatives as rulebreakers. 

I have to chase my creativity. It's my path to freedom. I am a creative. I am a rulebreaker, and hopefully someday I will be free. 

Epilogue: I tried something new with my video creating again. I decided to make a teeny tiny cover of the adventure time theme song. I made a tiny Finn and a Tiny Jake, put them in a number of different settings in my back yard, and this is what came out. I hope you like it :) 

I felt like making a youtube video, but none of the originals or covers I'm working on are in any state to be recorded, which is why we've ended up with this silly little rendition of the beloved Adventure Time theme tune.