But how do you actually feel though?

As a child I got sick. A lot. I have memories of constant doctors visits, and spending time in sick bay waiting for my mum to pick me up. As you can imagine, dealing with sickness as a person and having a sick kid as a family is pretty disruptive. Recognising this, I slowly began to ignore what my body was telling me and soldier on when I was feeling less than stellar.

My earliest memory of this was around the age of 10. I woke up with a sandpapery throat, and I didn’t tell anyone. The only indication that anything was wrong was my teachers mild annoyance that I kept requesting to fill up my water bottle (the cold liquid on my sad throat was a mild relief).

These “ignoring sickness” behaviours a kid gradually saw me morph into an adult who doesn’t take sick days. If I can get out of bed, that means I can go to work, no matter how sore, uncomfortable or vague I feel. Until recently this wasn’t an issue. Almost everyone I know in my line of work (music teaching/tutoring) did the same. That is until COVID 19 hit.

If you’re sick, don’t go to work. Sounds simple right? Feel bad = stay home…. except, for me, it’s really not that simple. After almost two decades of ignoring sickness I don’t know what sick feels like. I often wake up with a sore throat. Is it dehydration? Am I sick? Did I sing too much or am I coming down with a cold?. I’ve spent so long ignoring my bodies signals, and now I’m suddenly expected to listen again.

It’s further complicated by the nature of my work. I don’t get sick leave, which means if I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid. Because of jobkeeper, that hasn’t been an issue recently, but once that ends, what happens when I get sick? I can’t afford to loose any income, and opportunities to get more work are few and far between. Community responsibility, or being able to pay my bills. Why is this something I have to choose between?

So how do I actually feel? This is a question I’ve been asking myself a little obsessively since lockdown. Luckily the answer is usually “exhausted, but fine”. The one time it wasn’t, I did the responsible thing and got tested immediately (I’m lucky it was at the end of my work week!). Touch wood I stay well and don’t have to take time off.

About the outfit: ANYWAY, lets step away from the doom and gloom of financial realities, and into the sweet embrace of whimsical fashion! This shirt is one of the best items I’ve ever thrifted. When I go thrifting I’m on the lookout for three qualities - Fit, material and quirkiness. The fit is perfect, the material/construction is sturdy and will stand the test of time, and there are some fun little details (like the gemstone collar button!?)

This skirt is the first pattern test for a small line of skirts I’ll be releasing at the end of the year. They won’t look like this one (I’ve secured a red velveteen for the official job). I’ve had this fabric laying around for years, and it’s been nice to put it to such a whimsical purpose.

You don't have to stay just because it's long term.

I am going to have significantly more time to work on this blog and my artistic pursuits in the coming months because I have just done the hardest thing I've ever emotionally had to do: leave an emotionally abusive relationship.  

Abuse is really scary, even more so after you realise what it is. In terms of what I experienced I consider myself very lucky. The experiences I've had over the last year have been mild, although like most abusive cycles, the "good times" were getting less and less, and the "bad times" were getting more intense and more regular. 

When I realised what was happening, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the blind fold had been pulled from my eyes. The transition from healthy loving relationship to toxic relationship was so slow. It also took a lot of research to realise that his behaviour wasn't ok (This article in particular helped me a lot https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/11/signs-partner-manipulative/)

I don't think my ex realised what he was doing was abuse. It's no excuse for his behaviour, but I truely believe he didn't realise the emotional consequences of his actions. I just hope he learns as much from this relationship as I have. 

As far as how I'm doing, I'm incredibly angry. I feel betrayed and lied to. I also feel like the last of my childhood hope and trust and naivety has disappeared. I loved this human with all of my heart, and in return all I received was a box I had to conform to which shrank over time. I gave so much time and energy which I could have been putting into my friends and my art. 

Here's a note to my future self and a note to anyone else about the type of behaviour you should never tolerate in a long term relationship: 

1) Policing your behaviour and calling you out on being "socially unacceptable". 

2) Contempt towards your career path and passions. 

3) The alteration of your space in major ways, particularly buying "shared furniture" which you wouldn't otherwise be interested in or purchase

4) Share of travel based on time schedules 

5) Lack of communication, particularly the silent treatment. 

6) Being involved with my friends and my family.

7) Respecting my emotional needs. 

8) Waiting for things to get better, because the longer you wait, the worse they will get.

9) Hypocritical behaviour.  

10) Alteration of you as a human in major ways. 

11) Being afraid to ask to do things together because it's consistently met with either contempt or a unreasonably negative attitude. 

These are all the things I can think of right now. I'm sure there are more, and I'm sure I will write a follow up post about how I'm recovering from this trauma. 

There is no excuse for any type of abuse, and just because it's mild doesn't make it any less wrong. There is nothing wrong with me, and if you've had this misfortune of experiencing this kind of behaviour, there is nothing wrong with you either. 

She Came Home (an unexpectedly happy post)

I have had the craziest January. Thankfully the tragedy that I alluded to in my last post has been resolved! My dog noodle (who features quite heavily in this post) went missing for a second time, about a week after she ran away during the New Years fireworks. She was gone for 6 days, and at the time of writing my last post, I was convinced I'd never seen her again. 

As far as loosing a pet goes, there's only one thing worse than the act of them going missing. Being far away from home where you cannot physically search for them. The entire time noodle was out in the wilderness  I was glued to my phone, hoping my parents would call, or that somebody would respond to one of the many cries for help I'd posted across the lost pet groups on Facebook. 

The longer your pet (in my case, dog) is missing, the less hope you tend to be able to hold onto. I imagined her in all sorts of awful scenarios. In the wet stormy bushes dying of fear/cold, run over on the road, mauled by another dog, collapsing from starvation. I also cried a lot in private (I was on tour, surrounded by people constantly, so pretty much any moment alone was met with tears) 

Lastly, just to add insult to the crushing loss I was already feeling, I was aware that I had this set of photos to post. Ones taken in my backyard just before I left with noodle being silly and lovely and soft and gorgeous. Had she not come home, this post would have been devastating to edit. 

Thankfully she's home safe. A lovely lady spotted her on the side of a road not too far from our house, and chased her for a kilometre until she was able to catch her, then return her home. I'm so very glad she's home.

Hey hey hey, so it's been a little while. I've been away from home at a festival/ been on tour since just after Christmas, and a really sucky thing has happened twice (my dog went missing, she was found once. Hasn't been found again.)

(On the day I felt saddest, I managed to get enough alone time to record a tiny rendition of Scarborough fair. It was a nice distraction from the saddness hole I was in. You can watch it if you want : )